I could rationalize it away and say that it was a high school fantasy. Stick to my strengths (which don’t include a guitar). But somewhere inside of me there is this desire to try and try hard.

So, this morning I went about learning. It still feels awkward when I hold it. Not at ease like a pen or my keyboard. The parts of it still confuse me (though I think I got the idea of frets and am starting to remember which string is which note). It doesn’t feel like home yet. But I want it to.

April a year ago I was riding in the car with a musician friend of mine who seemed amazed that I sang along to songs I didn’t know. I didn’t even notice it. I’ve got songs etched in my subconscious that are wanting to come out.

Notice I never said that I’d be good at it. I know a lot of facts about music (thanks to my awesome mom who added in music education to my homeschooling). I knew some basic piano. But this guitar thing is gonna be something else.

So for now I’ll struggle through the awkward phase of finger placements and strumming. Maybe soon it’ll feel like another home to me.

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I live on the fringes of celebrity. I’ve called it in the past a micro-celebrity status. It’s the “I’m so much cooler online” effect. Obviously I’m not a household name. I don’t get into great tables at fancy resturants. I barely even get any substantial perks for being Tabz.

But sometimes… sometimes… it’s awesome being Tabz.

Today at barcampLA (an un-conference about all things tech, web and so much more) my friend Megan was telling someone, “You don’t follow Tabz?” Both Megan and another guy (Steve) started ribbing on the third person who hadn’t been following me on Twitter. The resulting conversation was jestful and witty, but the underlying reality was that both of them were kind of surprised that the third person didn’t know who I was.

Why? ‘Cuz, according to Megan, I know everyone.

I had a similar conversation with my parents after they attended Podcast and New Media Expo (back when it was still in Ontario). They went around saying “I’m Tabz’ dad!” or “I’m Tabz’ Mom!” and had a grand old time of it. At the end of the afternoon they said to me, “you know EVERYONE”.

Don’t get me wrong, I have a pretty normal life. There’s a lot of stress, and bad days, and times when being Tabz is not so awesome. But if I really stop to think about it. I mean really stop and evaluate where I am. I have a pretty fantstic life.

One of the other subjects of conversation today was my “minions”. I won’t lie, having a team of people around the world who work on my podcasts is fan-tabz-ulous. I felt compelled to explain that not only do I have minions but I have cult members. Now, minions are people who work on specific tasks because they like the project I’m doing. Cult members will work on anything I’m doing ‘cuz they like me and they’re super crazy awesome.

This isn’t something that just happened. It’s taken work, building a community where people are respected – given credit – allowed to have power/authority/responsibility. It also comes out my deep desire that every project I head isn’t “mine” – it’s “ours.” Now, I’ll always exercise some kind of leadership control, but I never think that projects are “my babies” and you can’t touch them. I believe in the power of co-creation.

And that also makes it awesome to be Tabz. I can’t imagine Buffy Between the Lines without my co-producer Kim, or our talented group of writers. I can’t imange it without Austin’s music or the directors’s and actors’ interpretations of scenes. I can’t imagine BBtL or ABtL without the people that have worked on it – no matter how small their role.

It’s also awesome to be Tabz ‘cuz I have awesome friends. Both on- and off-line. Just before I started writing this I said good night to my friend and he said, “I love you.” After I responded, “I love you!” I realized how rare that kind of platonic, amazing friendship is. And yet, I have that with a core group of people who I trust with everything. (And trust me, they know the dark side of Tabz and still love me).

So this became a long ramble about why it’s great to be me. But seriously, if you’re feeling down or depressed – this is the quickest way to remember – sometimes, it’s awesome to be you.

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I know what you’re thinking. It’s not a nice word. But, let me explain.

Last Christmas we went up to our friends’ house. The Mooses (not really their name, but you get the idea). They have 5 kids, and the youngest, Benji is a fairly precocious child. We were decorating sugar cookies when Ben dropped one. Being of a sensitive nature he was very upset and threw himself on one of the nearby couches and would not be consoled. As we rescued the cookie and cleaned up the icing on the floor he jabbers away at himself, bemoaning his situation. At one point he wails, “I’m such a doofus!”

Now, to this day, his mother has no idea where Benji learned the word “doofus”. But it’s tickled my parents and I so much that now we quote Benji at opportune times. Such as playing Canasta and throwing the wrong card. Or forgetting something in the kitchen.

But now I’ve been saying it outside of the family. I couldn’t recall the name of one of the writers of Dollhouse – “I’m such a doofus!”

So yes, doofus is coming back, but only in reference to myself and my silly stupidity.

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If you have a good idea, get it out there. For every idea I’ve realized, I have ten I sat on for a decade till someone else did it first. Write it. Shoot it. Publish it. Crochet it, sauté it, whatever. MAKE. – Joss Whedon

I’m used to being… uh. Different.

And by used to I mean it rarely bothers me. Except when it does and I have to remind myself why I do what I do.

So… here we go!

When I first started podcasting no one asked me “why are you doing this?” It was me, late at night, recording and editing a podcast that 100 or so people listened to. And it was fun. But now that I’ve had some small success I get the question a lot.

Why are you doing all this ‘Buffy’ stuff? Usually the question is followed by a slight nose wrinkle or the killer, “why not tell your own stories?”

Sometimes it bothers me slightly when I hear it. Or when I’m relegated to the “not as awesome because she does fandom stuff” pile. Most of the time it just makes me smirk because people don’t know what’s coming (though, as a side note, I don’t smirk half as well as I picture myself smirking).

Anyways.

So, why Buffy? Why Angel? Why not tell “my own stories”?

I’m a passionate believer in the idea that story telling is a shared experience. I take Solomon in Ecclesiastics very seriously when he said, “there’s nothing new under the sun… it’s all been done before”. You should always tell stories that come from inside of you and your heart. If those stories are about Robin Hood, or Xiey the scared teddy bear, or if they’re about Buffy, they are still your stories set in someone else’s universe. When I write lines like:

It amuses me, this image of the little red devil and horns. I mean, I would have thought mortals would have realized by now — the real horror of Satan is that he can be so beautiful….

That’s -me- and it’s an idea that’s been around forever.

So when I write a short story, or play in someone else’s universe (like the short story I wrote for Scott Sigler’s THE CRYPT) – it’s still my story. And it’s all concepts that aren’t ‘new’ they’re just told through the Tabz filter. And if they connect with an audience, that’s all that really matters.

But Buffy?
Buffy the Vampire Slayer isn’t just a TV show for me. I understand some people’s eye rolling when they count me out as “the Buffy gal”, but there’s something that resonated with me and the show. Despite my dislike for the main character (which, personally I believe is just because Buffy and I are too much alike) – it’s a show that’s not only given me entertainment, it’s given me thinks to think about and a connection with some of my dearest friends. On the top of my deepest friendships are people I can say “we bonded over Buffy”.

Okay, okay, but this is just a little hobby right?
Maybe. But Buffy Between the Lines has connected with people in a way I never anticipated. Just check out some of the RECENT messages (this doesn’t count everything over the past two years) that I have received from people:

Thank you for sharing BBtLS w/this world. For me its one my pleasures & joys & my choice of what to listen to while creating my art.

I just wanted to tell you how much I really enjoy your podcasts-Buffy Between the Lines and Strangely Literal. I’m also looking foreward to Angel Between the Lines and Firefly Between the Lines. You have re-awaken the Browncoat/Whedon fan in me. I just wanted to let you know and say THANK YOU! They are amazing. Also, you have re-awaken the writer in me. Again, thank you.

This show is really great and is amazing how good the writing and voice acting [is]…

Then of course, there’s our number one fan: Josh. A 25 year old, wheel-chair bound (cerebral palsy), amazing guy who looks forward to every episode we put out. It takes him over an hour to type out emails to us using a device called a “head switch”, but almost every episode we get one of these carefully crafted emails. And he’s not afraid to be truthful with us:

hi girls it’s josh
I got my dvd Dr. Horrible now I have music in my brain I been playing the musical
comment that guy from firefly was funny
I been watching the guild when does that update
that was a ok buffy it not one I going to play again but was okay love josh

In conclusion:

So why do I do what I do? Because I’m not going to waste my life sitting on ideas that I have. I’m going to do what I can, while I can and tell stories that impact people’s lives. I’m not gonna sit here and be pretentious enough to think my stories should be on TV or published by a publisher. I’m gonna get a bunch of people together and record on our jury rigged home studios. And if you don’t like it, you don’t have to listen, but don’t count me out as “just that Buffy girl”.

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Would I say no if they did happen? Of course not. But I don’t find myself going “you know what. Doing an audio drama isn’t enough. I MUST BE ON TV.”

Is that weird?

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Here’s a retrospective on some of my awesome birthdays.

My actual birthday -
I was born on Sunday (which makes me love the old poem about days of the week you’re born on). My mom’s parents were there. And I made out like a bandit on gifts. Some of my favorite ones were my rubber ducky, a collection of handmade blankets (many of which I still have).

5th Birthday –

I had family friend Roxie and her daughter be clowns. I had super curls and a great blue dress with a ‘spinny skirt’. My grandpa was there and my mom made the most awesome cake in the shape of a cat.

6th Birthday -

My first crush came over and gave me a stuffed alligator, whom I named after him and had until high school. We went to Santa’s Village after my parents tried to convince me that my entire birthday would be “watching rain go down the gutter”. Which we did (with hoses) before they let me know we’d be going somewhere cool. Mom made a Cinderella birthday cake!

9th Birthday -

My first sleepover! We set up the whole living room as Barbie’s house and a runway for a fashion show. I got a VHS tape of Bambi and some of my guests were traumatized over Bambi’s mom getting shot.

13th Birthday -

This was the infamous party where I invited all of the 20something from our church over. To which my mom said, “don’t you want to invite people your age?” In reality the kids I knew my age all turned super loser during that year and my really good friends where older than me. My mom made delicious homemade pizzas that we got to put the toppings on. We played Taboo, Pictionary and one of my Sherlock Holmes games. It was a fun night.

16th Birthday -

The entire church threw me a surprise party and I had no idea. My camp friend Jenny came down with my adopted Aunt and Uncle for an extra surprise. I felt like a princess that day. Even though the people who went to our church at the time were lower-middle-class families they all got me incredibly awesome gifts (many of them for my upcoming college trip). My mom did an amazing job giving me the perfect sweet 16 birthday.

18th Birthday -

My first birthday away from home (since I started college at 17 and turned 18 that Nov). I had a great group of friends and threw my own celebration (we all went for deep dish pizza). My mom packed a box of presents that I opened up later on my floor. It came complete with a banner and candles for a birthday cake/pie.

24th Birthday -

I had the most awesome shared party with my friend Rev (who has the birthday the same day I do). Tons of our friends from all over Chicago showed up and we rented out a cool space. My friend Naomi and her boyfriend (now husband) drove down from Wisconsin to celebrate with us. Tons of good food.

There’s more memories, but that’s the ones I can think of off the top of my head. I’ve really only had one bad birthday, but that wasn’t because of the birthday (I had the most awesome cake that year) but the events that surrounded it. So yay me.

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One of the things that I’ve been very aware of since becoming an adult is the idea that sometimes you have to swallow your pride and compromise for the good of the majority.

We are a diverse nation. Filled with more changes than you can even start to count. I mean, come on, in college we always had a field day with the “what do you call carbonated beverages” question. If we have about 10 different words for COKE (yes, that’s what I use, all carbonated beverages are coke), you can imagine that we all have about 10 different ideas on how the nation should be run.

Obama will disappoint someone. Sometime. It’s just fact. Leading a nation of incredibly diverse people in an incredibly complex political system is incredibly difficult task. I always remind myself of the awesome episode of West Wing when one of the characters tries to figure out why they can’t get rid of the penny. After a long day of research he has about 20 different reasons (or more) why it’s impossible to do something as seemingly simple as disolving the US’ use of the penny.

There’s lots to celebrate tonight, even if you’re mourning the results of the national or local elections. And, in the overall scheme of history – this is just one moment out of dozens (or hundreds) that will shake the world. So if you don’t like this one, stick around – there’s probably gonna be one you do like soon.

So no matter who you are (even if you’re not an American) show a little kindness this post-election season. There’s more that binds us together as humans then tears us apart.

Especially the people reading this blog – ‘cuz you’re probably all geeks

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I’m using you to show off my new business card designs:

SIDE A:

SIDE B:

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