Plus, I’m horrible at emotions. I don’t often know why I feel a certain way and can go on blatantly unaware of how my feelings are effecting me. Of course, this all collides horribly with my sensitivity to emotional situations. I feel physically ill when tense or angry situations arise. A nice, happy place can have me mellow in minutes. It’s hard for me to express how I’m feeling without making someone else really upset, so I usually refrain from doing so (which usually makes for a worse situation in the long run).

So all of this, plus my busy schedule of late, has kept me from blogging and podcasting on fanTABZulous. Yet this week the emotions just seem way to close to the surface to deal with without putting fingers to keys. Not because I want to gossip about anything in particular, but just because the very act of saying I’ve got some crap to deal with makes it easier.

None of it is huge, well maybe losing my job was huge but more in the “dealing with money” area and even that isn’t as bad as it could be.

All of this to say.. yeah. Personal blogging should make a return. I’m not sure if it will, but it should.

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Now, my end goal is to someday teach college level writing and English. So I’ve been tossing around in my mind (since college) getting an MA in Creative Writing or English. But I always stop at the sticker shock.

See, Moody Bible Institute, where I went for undergrad is tuition free for undergrad students. So when I consider spending more than I make in one year on a semester of classes I kind of choke.

But now I’m toying with the idea again for next year. At least doing a couple classes and working at it. Of course, I read a bunch of “everyone wants to be a writing professor”. Apparently it’s the same as “everyone wants to be a writer.”

So, I’m not sure what to think. I’ve decided that there has to be an easier way then all this fuss.

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I know what you’re thinking. It’s not a nice word. But, let me explain.

Last Christmas we went up to our friends’ house. The Mooses (not really their name, but you get the idea). They have 5 kids, and the youngest, Benji is a fairly precocious child. We were decorating sugar cookies when Ben dropped one. Being of a sensitive nature he was very upset and threw himself on one of the nearby couches and would not be consoled. As we rescued the cookie and cleaned up the icing on the floor he jabbers away at himself, bemoaning his situation. At one point he wails, “I’m such a doofus!”

Now, to this day, his mother has no idea where Benji learned the word “doofus”. But it’s tickled my parents and I so much that now we quote Benji at opportune times. Such as playing Canasta and throwing the wrong card. Or forgetting something in the kitchen.

But now I’ve been saying it outside of the family. I couldn’t recall the name of one of the writers of Dollhouse – “I’m such a doofus!”

So yes, doofus is coming back, but only in reference to myself and my silly stupidity.

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I don’t know if it’s stress, not sleeping well, or my weight that makes me so tired, but it’s getting ridiculous. Not only do I feel tired, I feel -really- tired. To the point where I just want to go to bed at 8pm.

I’m going to attempt to start doing Yoga and exercising again, hopefully that will help somewhat, but even when I was exercising more frequently I felt tired all the time.

We’ll see what happens.

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I’m stressed this week. So you get another LOL cat from ICanHazaCheeseburger.com

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The latest post was about “issues” this blogger has. It made me laugh so I thought I’d make my own list.

1. I really can’t sleep with socks on.

2. My entire house can be trashed, but I must have a clean toilet

3.  I doodle in meetings

4. I never screw caps back on all the way unless I make a conscious effort to

5. If I see red while shopping I have to go out of my way to see what it is

6. I start listening to podcasts from the latest episode. Unlike a lot of people who start at 1 and go on.

7. I really can’t stand Dr. Phil – even if it’s a commercial on mute I have to switch the channel.

I’m sure there’s more, but that’s all I can think of right now.

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I’m also working on some web stuff for church, a powerpoint presentation for my dad’s birthday party and finishing up a website. Add on the LiveJournal comms I moderate and I’ve been on the computer almost 24/7.

Thankfully I have a great support team both at home and with the BBTL and LJ comms. These people keep me going and sane! I’m not sure what I’d do without Kim, Emma and others.

I also adore my new co-worker Jess. She’s funny, smart and fun to be with. That’s a huge thing for me. If I can’t stand the people I work with – then why even work there? That’s part of the reason I stayed so long at my last job – I loved the people.

In other news – I get lots of good vibes from my friends. Dani, Kim, Emma… you’re the best!

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Now, with the college friends and the move to LA, my friends are scattered far and wide, but if I ever got them all in a room together – that would be weird.

I guess that’s the weirdness you get when you go to most people’s weddings. Everyone knows the bride or groom (or both) but rarely do you know the other people. I tried to picture my friends together and, for the most part, I think they’d enjoy each other – but some of them I *know* would be going “you’re friends with… him?”

The number one quality of most of my friends is that make me laugh. I’m not sure why that is true of all of them, but they can all make me laugh. Maybe it’s because I associate good things with times when I laugh. Best friend Andrew? He can make me laugh with one word. Trust me, he can. Most of those people I can make laugh too. My good friend Naomi adores my sarcastic sense of humor (which only increases the amount of sarcasm in my humor when I’m with her).

Then there’s the classification of friends I haven’t met yet, but feel incredibly close to.  These people span the globe from Colorado, to England, to New York. Someone needs to invent a transporter so I can hang out with these people.

Another quality of my friends? They’re all very giving. When I was out of cash due to bringing my sister to Chicago my friends Merrie, Nichole, John and others all sacrificially gave money to help us out. When I needed to move, there was always a weird conglomeration of friends to help out. When I was sick my friends who lived about an hour away offered to go grocery shopping for me (the store was a block away from my apartment).

I might have some weird friends.. but they totally rock.

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Now, those who know me are gonna say “yeah right”, ‘cuz they’ve known me as busy my entire life. Or the entire life they’ve known me.

But I swear this has been an extremely busy June and shaping up to be a busy July. My only comfort (and it’s not really a comfort) is that I shall have loads of free time in July due to the rents being occupied elsewhere.

Sooo what have I been up to?

Designing flyers for freelance clients, reading scripts for Buffy Between the Lines (BBTL), listening to auditions for BBTL, writing scripts for BBTL, designing websites for freelance clients (and my dad, doing audio for Firefly Talk and Strangely Literal, working for Podcast Pickle, writing articles for MINDsprinting, blogging for MINDsprinting and doing the forum post thing.

Not to mention the emails and conversations about BBTL and various things.

I love it! I’m so glad I got my MacBook back in January? Have we really been together that long? I love it so. (happy sigh)

I do start my new full-time job on August 1st though, so be on the look out for that!

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So he starts to use it, fast forwarding through long waits, bad times, etc. He starts to realize time is going “too” fast, and tries not to use it so much, but the temptation is great.

The moral of the story of course is enjoy every minute of life you have – even the waiting and the bad times – because life is too short, even if you live to be very old.

That being said. I suck at waiting. Not that I usually have a choice, but it’s hard. Most of my life speeds by too fast for words. It has since I was a kid. When I was growing up one of the car dealers had a commercial with a family going so fast all you could see was their blurry outline. At the very end of the commercial a kid would stop and say, “life’s a blurr.” My family decided that was our motto. We were always moving and my adult life hasn’t gotten any slower.

Still, there’s times where I have to wait. I’m not a waiter, I’m a doer. Give me something to do, let me fix it, let me go and do and be.

I couldn’t even wait to finish this blog entry. I moved on to something else and just realized I didn’t finish it.

Just call me Spaz Tabz.

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